Fangs, Vampire Spy – Breathe Easy

by Tommy Donbavand


Tuesday – 1630 hours – University Hospital – Helsinki, Finland

fangs13OddBob the zombie lay back on the hospital trolley and smiled to himself.  His task was almost complete.  In less than an hour, he would be $6,000 richer.

He’d never really liked hospitals; he had a vague recollection of dying in one, many years ago, after a prolonged gun battle with the police.  But that was before he had climbed out of his grave and started a new career as an undead henchman for hire.  But, if he wanted to deliver his consignment and be paid for his time, he have to endure being back inside a medical facility for the time being.  So, he forced old memories from what remained of his decomposing mind and concentrated on the corridor lights as they whizzed by overhead, and the slap of the hospital porter’s shoes on the ground.

There was a crash as the trolley was pushed through the swinging doors of an operating theatre, and OddBob found himself being lifted onto the table beneath a powerful overhead light.  He became aware of at least two other people in the room – if his information was correct, this would be a nurse and the surgeon who was willing to do a deal.  The nurse gave him an injection – presumably fake in order to keep up the pretence of a genuine medical emergency.

The doors flapped again as the porter left, and they were finally alone.  Two faces leaned in over him – their features obscured by surgical masks and hats.  “OddBob,” the taller of the pair hissed.

“That’s me!” grinned the zombie, showing blackened teeth over which swarmed an army of lice.  “And you must be ‘the surgeon’.  I take it you have my money?”

The surgeon opened a briefcase to show bundles of cash.  “I take it you mean this…”

OddBob reached out to take the case, but the surgeon held it out of his reach.  Then he pulled down his mask to reveal a pair of glistening vampire fangs.

“Enigma!” cried OddBob.

“That’s Secret Agent Fangs Enigma to you,” the vampire snarled.

OddBob tried to jump up off the table, but found that he couldn’t move.  “Muscle freezer,” said the nurse, waving the now empty syringe in front of his face.  “It’s already working on your legs and spine, and it’ll spread to the rest of your body over the next few minutes.  Then she removed her own mask.  She was a werewolf!

“Of course,” groaned Oddbob.  “Fangs’s sidekick, Agent Puppy Brown!”

“The very same!”

“Where’s the real surgeon?” demanded OddBob.  “The one I was due to meet?”

“He’s a little tied up at the moment,” said Fangs.

Puppy nodded in agreement.  “In the supply cupboard.”

“Now, let’s take a look at what you bring to this little exchange shall we,” said Fangs.  He selected a scalpel from a tray of equipment and used the razor sharp blade to cut the buttons off the zombie’s shirt, one by one.

“Wait!” croaked OddBob.  The muscle freezer was already beginning to restrict his vocal chords.  “You can’t operate without anaesthetic!”puppy13

“I think you’ll find I can,” Fangs countered.  “Although I have to admit that it may take me a while to find what I’m looking for – unless you want to narrow down the search for me.”

“I’m not telling you anything!” spat OddBob.

“Fair enough,” said Fangs.  “I think we’ll start with the skull, in that case.  Puppy, can you pass me the extra large pliers?”

“No problem, boss.”  There was a rattling sound, and then Puppy lugged a rusty toolbox onto the table beside the zombie.

“Alright!” gurgled OddBob.  “It’s in my chest cavity.”

Fangs smiled.  “I knew you’d see it our way in the end.  Puppy – knock him out.”

Puppy Brown administered a second injection, this one filled with a powerful anaesthetic.  OddBob began to feel sleepy almost immediately.  “We’ve got a little while until it kicks in,” she said.  “So, why don’t you pass the time by telling us where you got your merchandise?”

“No chanccceeeee,” OddBob slurred through the knock-out drug.

“Actually, I think there’s every chance,” said Fangs.  “Especially as you can’t move, and I have lots of time on my hands and a tray of shiny scalpels.  So why don’t you have another go at answering Puppy’s question.”

OddBob felt his consciousness slipping away fast.  “OK,” he hissed.  “Jusss’ be careful…  I got them in Mossscowww…”  Then his head slumped to one side as he passed out.

“Right,” said Fangs.  “Let’s take a look and see what he’s carrying.”  With a steady hand, he ran the scalpel down the length of OddBob’s chest and carefully peeled the skin back.

“Well,” said Puppy.  “I was expecting to find lungs in there but not…” she paused to count.  “Thirty of them!”

Fangs plucked one of the deflated lungs from beside OddBob’s own and held it up to the light.  “It’s enough to leave you breathless.”

“And these have all been stolen from corpses in Moscow?”

Fangs slipped on his sunglasses.  “Yes, Puppy,” he said.  “He’s come from Russia with lungs!”

To find out more about Fangs and Puppy, go to

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