Dear David Cameron
I’m writing to apply for the position of education secretary.
I do appreciate that you already have an education secretary in the constantly shifting shape of Michael Gove but, as he appears to be attempting to strip the education completely out of schools entirely, he will surely soon become just a ‘secretary’. Albeit a secretary with some sort of bizarre, hypnotic hold over yourself and the entire cabinet.
You really can’t see it, can you?
His latest brilliant move is, as I’m sure you will be aware, is to cut classic works of American literature from the GCSE syllabus. Books such as Of Mice and Men and To Kill A Mockingbird.
Strong books. Lasting books. Important books.
It doesn’t matter where they were written, David. They need to read here in the UK, and everywhere else in the world. The themes they contain are universal.
And that’s just the latest in a long line of ridiculous decisions.
So, I’ve decided to take over.
It’s fair to say that I’m not a qualified teacher. Nor do I know anything about creating and overseeing an educational curriculum. So, in many ways, I’m just as suited to the job as Michael Gove himself.
Additionally, I was also an actor in my younger days and, from certain angles, I too resemble Penfold from the children’s TV series, Dangermouse.
Is it a secret of some sort? Does he know something really terrible about your past? If he’s blackmailing you, just tell us. We’ll understand.
Sorry – back to my application. My plan – and bear with me, because is going to sound crazy – my plan is to let teachers do what they do best… teach! No more ticking boxes and staging exams at fortnightly intervals. Just pure, creative teaching. With books, and imaginations, and everything! As education secretary, I’ll be there to appoint some really great, vastly experienced teachers to run things – and then I’ll nip off to make the tea so they can get on with the job.
I look forward to hearing back from you with my starting date.
In the meantime, show us on this SATS test where Michael Gove touched you…
Added, just to prove I HAVE sent this to 10 Downing Street…